Healing the Split

On Wholeness

I’ve been thinking a lot about Wholeness this week.

Wholeness is this feeling of being in complete harmony with oneself, inside and out.

I also experience it as mad love. The kind of love that makes you tear up. This is the same love I have for my kids and my husband. Even when I am not with them, when I think of them, my heart blooms open and my eyes tear up with the enormity of my love for them.

Wholeness is that level of Love multiplied by 1000 for oneself. 

Yes, I fall out of this feeling often. That’s the human in me. When I don’t like the tight waistband of my jeans or the dark circles under my eyes and my gray hair or as my hairstylist like to call “natural platinum highlights”

But lately, more and more I have been bathing myself with this elixir. More and more I have been madly and deeply in love with every inch and fold of my body, every crevice, and the entire breadth and length of my life, including the highs and the lows, the past and the present.

It has taken me 39 years and 6 months to get here and I plan to stay here a long time. Thank you very much.

The limitation of our human-ness is that we do not understand or value something unless we experience the polarity of it.

You don’t know courage unless you’ve faced fear

You don’t know love unless you’ve experienced grief

You don’t know success unless you’ve tasted failure

I cannot talk about Wholeness unless I address what lies at the polar end of the spectrum. 

I call it The Split.

My guess is you know exactly what it is, but let me elaborate. I don’t do this to digthe knife in more deeply in your wounds. I do this with the intention of you recognizing what end of the spectrum you are on.

Maybe you’re somewhere in the middle, or perhaps more on the left or right side?

Have you ever felt like you have to play different roles with different people in your life? And those roles are based on how the other person (knowingly or unknowingly) expects you to behave.

These expectations are sometimes real but often tacit and if we look closely are very much defined by our culture and belief system of the person.

It’s like you wear one mask when you are with your husband, another mask with your colleagues or your boss and another one for your children, another for your parents, and one more for your friends.

You’ve been doing this for so long that you don’t even know that you are constantly changing roles and costumes and sometimes it feels like you’re acting in 5 different plays at one time and a feeling overcomes and you say “Arrgh, I am so overwhelmed!!!”

If you pan out of this chaotic scene you’d recognize that in the process of always changing masks and hopping from scene to scene, you perhaps have forgotten about yourself.

You are neither this mask nor the role you are playing,  but you don’t really know who you are and at an off chance when you don’t have to perform any roles, you look for that feeling of finding you. You reach out in the darkness but there’s nothing for you to grasp. You come up empty-handed.

You’ve been split so many times over and over that you forgot who you were before the world told you who you should be.

That my friend is THE SPLIT.

We learn to live from the split version of ourselves and lose the feeling of wholeness. 

It’s not right or wrong, it just is. And perhaps, an important experience in the evolution of our consciousness because my friend, that taste of wholeness is so much sweeter when every cell of your body has known to live as the fragmented version of themselves. 

Wholeness then is when each cell is singing in resonance with the harmonics of one song. 

🎶She is home. She is home. She is home🎶

So now you must be wondering how to get to this part sooner, quicker, as fast as possible.

We always want to get to the after. “Just tell me how to get there! Is there a quick fix?”

Sigh! The answer is No. 

The paradox of no longer living as a split version of you is that the journey makes the end sweetest. 

It’s like if you didn’t know what Katniss Everdeen did in the arena, how she looked after Rue from District 11 and gave her a sweet goodbye, how she breaks the Capitol’s plan by not killing Peeta but proposing to eat the poison berries together as an act of disobedience and if she didn’t kick ass with her bow and arrow and her badass-ness, you wouldn’t have fallen in love with this shero!

What I can tell you is the act of removing those masks, which may look like setting boundaries, saying no, getting therapy, changing your belief systems, and choosing yourself over and over again is as important as looking at yourself in the mirror and overcoming with the emotion of how much love you feel for the gorgeous soul staring back at you.

On the way to Wholeness, you may take big steps like quitting your job or leaving a toxic relationship.

Or, you may take teeny tiny steps like ordering takeout for the kids and stepping out for a walk in nature.

All of them count. All of them pile up and become the steps on which you walk to your wholeness.

To the pure joy of being you. 

I cannot and will not take the liberty to tell you what to do. Only you know this. And you do.

A friend of mine recently quit a job that she had spent years yearning for. She always thought she wanted it but 5 months in, she felt none of the good feelings you are supposed to when you land your dream career. The last few weeks, she stretched on, hoping for things to be better but she knew what she had to do!

I stepped back from a highly lucrative business 2 years ago. 6 months before I did so, I knew something was off. I knew I had to take a sabbatical. I kept pushing that feeling till I gathered the courage to do it. 

People think quitting is the easiest thing to do but often quitting is the most courageous thing you’ll do.

The healing of the split and the path to wholeness starts with quitting. 

A habit.

A relationship.

A job.

A pattern.

A promise.

Recently I healed another split. 

4 years ago, I started walking the Path of the Sacred Feminine Consciousness. 

This path has unfolded perfectly (not to be confused with painlessly) for me as I re-membered my Priestess lineage from lifetimes ago.

When I decided to take an indefinite sabbatical from my business, I dedicated myself to the Path of the Priestess. But at the same time, I tried so hard to figure out how to fit it into my “business model”

The problem was I didn’t fit into a “traditional Priestess Role” we are so used to seeing on Instagram.

I didn’t wear flowy gowns and didn’t do my make-up like the priestesses. I don’t have an elaborate altar and I am not particularly strict about my rituals and craft work. 

Much of what I saw on Instagram didn’t resonate with my pragmatic nature and my life circumstances. 

I was in THE SPLIT.

Trying so hard to play this role of the priestess as I thought the world expected me to be while fitting it all into my life

It dawned on me that priestess is not something you do, it’s who you are.

The flowy garb, the elaborate altars, and the hour-long rituals can be a part of it (if you choose it), but it doesn’t have to be.

A priestess is one who walks the path of love. Period.

I didn’t have to “be” a priestess, I already was one. Sitting on my couch in my pajamas for 10 minutes and sending love to people I have felt a riff with became my Priestess work.

Taking 3 deep breaths while running late to pick up my son from school became my Priestess work.

Choosing to go to bed early than watch Netflix for no reason other than I didn’t feel like it became my Priestess work.

Waking up each morning with the only prayer on my lips of “Thank you” became my Priestess work.

I didn’t have to fit in a model someone else created. I could be the priestess I have always been, right here in my heart.

When that knowing anchored, my body relaxed.

My split healed, my heart opened and my soul rejoiced. 

Once more, I returned home to myself.

To Wholeness.

❤️

Deepshikha