Returning Home

My thoughs on going home to India & the grief that comes with it

Coming Monday I’ll be on a plane to India after almost 6 years. This is my first visit after I lost my mom suddenly, without getting a chance to say goodbye.

The grief of losing someone you love never goes away. The intensity of it is like an earthquake with a magnitude of 10.0, creating permanent fault lines. And then, for the rest of your life, you feel the aftershocks.

Sometimes I can expect a tsunami of grief, especially on days like my birthday, her birthday, or festivals. But some days, it catches me unaware. Like a stroll at the mall not so long ago when I saw a picture inside a book of a mom hugging her daughters and broke down crying right there in the aisle.

With my impending trip to India, along with the excitement of seeing family and eating my favorite foods, a crater-sized hole has opened up without warning.

“Where is my mother? What is home without my mother?” It’s been asking me.

I’ve learned this past year to hold 2 polar emotions in my body. Right now it’s grief and excitement. And, while the grief still feels like a sucker punch on some days, I’ve learned to live in the “and” rather than “but.”

I am sad AND excited to return home.

I believe this is true of life too. “But” limits us, it puts guard rails on the multidimensionality of our Self.

“And” frees us. “And” allows us to get closer to our authentic selves.

My wish for you this Holiday Season and beyond is to look for the “and” and not the “but”.

Expand. Dance between the two spectrums of your Polarity. Find the freedom to be who you are there.

I’ll write to you soon from the other side of the world!

Much love,

Deepshikha

P.S. If you’ve lost someone, I highly recommend the podcast All There Is by Anderson Cooper. It is the balm on my tender heart I didn’t know I needed.

If you listen, I’d recommend listening right from the first episode.

How gorgeous was my mom, huh???