If the word "goal-setting" makes you 🤮
Try this instead (no Patriarchy detected here)
I stopped setting goals a few years ago. At that time, it was an act of defiance against Patriarchal standards of success. I was sick and tired of setting outlandish goals, such as “getting 5000 new followers on Instagram” or “a 6-figure launch.”
The problem with such goals was not the goals themselves but how attached I was to them, how they made me feel if I was off, and how my ego was tied to these absolute numbers.
If you’ve been here for some time, I don’t need to tell you how “goal-setting,” as it is done in our patriarchal capitalist culture, can be toxic to our overall well-being. This outside-in approach to goal setting completely disregards our mental, physical, and emotional well-being and goes against our cyclical nature, especially women’s.
The year I abandoned setting goals for myself came with relief but that was soon washed up with guilt and shame. As a high-achieving woman, I felt like a big fat failure in the absence of those big fat goals. Still, I persisted. After all, I was on the Journey Home to Self that had prompted me to have an inside-out approach to everything in life.
Living as an authentic, true version of yourself does not mean that you don’t have any desires or goals. You can be a badass career woman who wishes to lead her company one day. You can be a stay-at-home mom who is committed to her health and that of her family. You can have dreams, ideas, and wishes. The only difference is how we approach them.
After spending years of unshaming my “high-achieving, always be productive” nature, I can say that I found a way that is JHTS-approved. If this year, you too are ready to throw up every time you hear the words “goal-setting”, “yearly planners” or “crush your goals/calendar/blah blah”, try this.
This method was first introduced to me by James Clear from the book Atomic Habits. This book is solely responsible for my daily exercise, meditation, and journaling habits that I started implementing 5 years ago (March 2020).
Here, I’ll divide them into 3 parts:
The Inside-Out Goals
Motion + Action = Momentum
Watch them grow
The Inside-Out Goals
The usual method of setting goals is to think of a goal, say “I want to read 20 books a year” and then go from there. Book 1. Book 2 and so on. The problem is that we rarely have a healthy system supporting the goal.
Instead of creating an outside goal and then relying on willpower to “crush our goals”, let’s go from the inside out.
Do it in these 2 simple steps:
Step 1 - Identity (What kind of person do I want to be?)
Step 2 - System (What system can I establish to become this person)
End Result: GOAL!
Example:
Step 1: I want to be the kind of person who reads every day.
Step 2: I will read 2 pages before bed daily. (Remember to make this system super easy and have a definite time/place when you will implement it)
End Result: I made a habit of reading and ended up reading 12 books this year!
Notice, how the focus here was not on a random number (20 books/year) but on creating a system that supports who you want to be. This is based on this idea, that if you focus on the kind of person you want to become and optimize the system, you will reach in the vicinity of your goals.
I bet a person who creates a habit of reading every day won’t beat themselves up if they don’t reach the random number they had in mind. They will be proud and happy if they become the person they always wanted to become.
I know this from my life. For years I wanted to be the kind of person who exercised, meditated, and journaled every day. Today I am that person.
I started implementing the system in 2020 and by 2023, I had become that person. I didn’t beat myself up for not being able to “get there” in one calendar year. It didn’t matter. These three things are now a part of my life, like brushing my teeth. Even when I do fall off for a few days (and yes I do!), I always get back on track.
Do this now! Grab a pen and paper and answer these 2 questions.
What kind of person do you want to become? (E.g; someone who writes every day, meditates every day, or exercises every day)
What is an easy, simple system you can establish (Start small. I am a big fan of one-degree shifts. 100 words. 10 minutes. 3 pages. They all add up!)
Motion + Action = Momentum
As you start creating and optimizing your system, remember the difference between Motion and Action.
Motion starts the habit. Action moves it forward.
Examples of Motion: Researching what books to read, reading articles on different exercises, reading books on Writing Craft.
Examples of Action: Reading 3 pages a day, Going for a run for 20 mins, Writing 200 words a day.
Motion is necessary but staying in it will hold us back. Sometimes it is important to stay in Motion but know when it’s time to leap into Action.
As a guide, to begin with; spend 50-50 time in Motion-Action. Then slowly move to 30-70 or even 20-80.
Personally speaking, last year I spent 70-30 in Motion-Action with some new systems I want to establish such as finishing my memoir and launching a new project. So this is definitely my area of progress this year. To move to a 30-70 pace and then finally to 20-80. It’s scary, I am not gonna lie! But here, just saying it to you makes me committed. That brings me to our final piece here.
Watch them grow
One of my Writer friends recently shared with me how she has been able to move the needle of her novel last month (in the busiest holiday season of the year).
She gathered marbles from her kids’ old game and every time she wrote she added a marble to a jar. She says “I love watching them grow and I cannot wait for the jar to fill up.”
This isn’t some sorcery, it’s science. Our brains are always doing what’s called a “reward prediction”. When the reward matches the prediction, we get a hit of dopamine aka pleasure but when it doesn’t, we get an error and experience pain.
This is why likes and comments feel so good and crickets on our content feel like a slap to our face. But don’t worry we can game this “reward prediction” mechanism to create healthy habits doing what my friend did.
Watch your habits grow.
Peloton gives me a check every time I work out along with some badges that can’t be sold or traded for anything, but do what it’s supposed to do, it keeps me showing up.
That is the main event of this whole topic. If you want to take one thing from this long-ass article, take this: KEEP SHOWING UP!
Some ways to game your “reward prediction”:
Cross a date on the calendar every time you finish a task
Put marbles, coins, paper clips, or anything in a see-through jar
Mark it in a habit-tracker app
Be creative in this, involve other people, and don’t forget to have fun!
Over to you now! Tell me in the comments or reply to this.
What kind of person do you want to become?
What’s an easy, doable system you will establish?
What will be your Motion and your Action?
How will you watch your habit grow?
Remember, small one-degree shifts every single day take us to a whole new place in one year.
Can’t wait to hear from you!
xx
Deepshikha