I spontaneously combusted

Self-Love is BS

“You need to work on yourself” My husband glared at me from the bottom of the stairs, wiping Cleo’s paws after his morning walk.

I stood at the top of the stairs, outside our bedroom door, fresh from my shower, towel still wrapped around me. He had just told me about an errand he had to do right before a party we had to be at later that evening.

I may or may not have bellowed back at him, to which he responded calmly yet sternly, “You need to work on yourself. You can’t scream like that on little things.”

In his defense, I had exploded spontaneously on a topic that didn’t warrant that big of a reaction.

In my defense, I was PMSng.

But now, after he said, “You need to work on yourself,” I transformed into Medusa, with a thousand snakes erupting from my head. I hissed at my husband, ready to turn him into stone.

Okay, okay, I am being dramatic. Maybe we won’t turn him into stone yet, but How Dare He?

If there is one person who has been “working” on herself on behalf of all my previous generations, ‘tis I.

And while there is always something you can work on, our personalities are like a Home DIY project. No matter how much you get done, there is always more work left to do. And, don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of taking personal responsibility and I did apologize for my very ahem sudden and uncharacteristic outburst.

But also no, thank you

Nu-uh.

Nope.

No fucking ope.

I don’t have to work on myself. I am done working on myself. I will not be working on myself for the foreseeable future.

And no it’s not coz I gobbled up some self-love bullshit straight out of a Jay Shetty Instagram post.

Self-love is a utopia. It’s not real. it’s a fantasy created by our Patriarchal & Capitalist Culture. It sounds wonderful in theory, but it is es absolutamente imposible.

It is meant for us to keep striving and keep buying more things just so we can self-love ourselves to…where exactly?? Have we ever stopped to think about why as a society we have become obsessed with “self-love?”

Why do we keep buying things and indulging in activities as an act of self-love and still always fall short of reaching that promised land the minute we notice our pants are too tight or our eyes are too puffy, or our lives still don’t look as dreamy as that woman on Instagram who has 2.4 million followers?

It’s an impossible goal to achieve, which works perfectly for our Patriarchal Capitalist Culture. They sell out on Stanley Cups and Tummy-flattening shapewear and Anti-aging creams. And we keep “working on ourselves.”

No, I don’t love myself. Most days, I can barely tolerate myself. And yet, I refuse to “work” on myself anymore.

Why?

Because I am a human. I may not love myself every single moment of every single day, but what I can do is, accept myself. And you know how hard has it been for me to get here?

To finally be able to extend enough compassion to myself? The same compassion I have been doling out in surplus to everyone else except me?

I can never get to the promised land of self-love but I can accept all of myself. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I accept that I am not a good or patient human being at all times. I accept that being human means we are not perfect. That we will never be. Which means,

I will fuck up.

I will get angry

I will judge others

I won’t tip the Barista coz all he did was pour me pre-made coffee

I will honk at you if you spend too long after the light turns green

I will look at my body in disgust instead of love

I will eat a whole bar of chocolate for the 3rd consecutive day and then hate myself for it

I will eat gluten all day even when I say I am gluten-free

I will be jealous of the girl I barely know on Instagram

I will not call or text back

I will fart, I will cry, I will loathe certain days and certain parts of myself

I will ignore my body, your needs, my sleep, your emotions

I will take for granted my time, your presence, my value, your generosity

And yet I still accept myself. I give myself grace as much as I can. And some days I don’t even do that.

Still, I say, I do, I do, I do. I very much accept every part of my human-ness and all the bloody mess that comes with it.

Most of the time.

Sometimes I don’t.

And that’s okay too.

🥂To not working on ourselves ever again!

Best Wishes, Warmest Regards,

Deepshikha

P.S. - Also, Fuck You Patriarchy!

P.P.S - Unrelated, but I did my first 5k Race this weekend. This is why it means so much to me. And as you will see from the post, my husband has been my biggest inspiration and support. I have to remember, even he’s a human and some days he can be a total piece of shit (esp when I am PMSng!)