I am Both - Ugly & Beautiful

The power in duality

It’s 91 degrees today in New Jersey. I took the kids to Häagen-Dazs straight after camp. I ordered my usual - Belgian Chocolate. Regretted it 10 minutes later.

I keep resolving to eat healthier in the hope that my ever-expanding midsection will shrink or at best, pause.

I still regret that over-sweet taste in my mouth and how my faded black dress is a bit too tight over my abdomen.

Oh, I do love my body, there’s no doubt about it. I did it in my teens when I was bullied for being too skinny and flat-chested. Do it now with all my curves and stretch marks.

And yet I am always planning the quickest way to what my body was in my late 20’s-early 30’s. I’ll be hitting the big 4-0 in 6 months and the dichotomy of my present reality is that I both love my body and can’t bear it at times.

In the words of Dowager Grantham from Downtown Abbey, “I'm a woman, Mary. I can be as contrary as I choose.”

I like this dichotomy. This duality of being both.

It gives me my power back. You can’t shame me for caring too much about how I look or not loving my body enough.

I mean you can try, but you won’t succeed. Because, either way, you’ll be right, and instead of feeling awful I would wholeheartedly agree with you. I’d even give you examples of why you’re right.

Lately, I have lived with this dichotomy. I have fallen in love with it. This idea that I can be both is so empowering to me.

In fact, I love it so much, I wrote a poem on it. I wasn’t going to publish it because I love it too much and I was so scared about how it will be received (Deepshikha, the forever contrarian)

Truth be told, I had no plans to write it. Actually, I was writing a memoir piece on a memory from when I was 13 years old and was called “ugly and unbearable to even be with” by someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally.

I carried the weight of their words most of my adult life until it finally loosened up and fell off my tender shoulders.

Talking about that memory made me emotional every single time but this time, after the baggage had been dropped, instead of my tears, a flower started to bloom.

During the writing of this memory, my heart opened. I felt this enormous amount of love not only for the 13 year old me but also for the person involved.

Before I knew it, my fingers started typing and what emerged was the poem I am about to share with you.

This is my gift to my 13 year old self . If I could go back in that moment, I’ll lift her chin up, look into those eyes that are heavy with hot tears about to drop and say “my love……

What I have come to know of life, Holy of the Holiest Truth,

That I am both.

Ugly and Beautiful.

Flawed and Perfect.

Deeply Loved and Unlovable.

I dance between the two spectrums,

Sometimes here and sometimes there.

Often, neither here nor there.

What I have come to know of life, Holy of the Holiest Truth,

That I am not yours to claim nor mine to keep.

With a bounce in my step and a smile on my face,

I am Shameless and Ashamed

With a frown between my brow and a tear-stricken face,

I am caged in my mind and free in my heart.

What I have come to know of life, Holy of the Holiest Truth

That I am both,

Good and Bad.

Wise and Unwise.

Right and Wrong.

I dance between the two spectrums,

Sometimes here and, sometimes there

Often, neither here nor there

You may catch a glimpse of who I am

Or you may miss

For I am everywhere and, I am nowhere

What I have come to know of life, Holy of the Holiest Truth

That I am you, and you are me

And, you too my darling, are both,

Neither this nor that

And everything in between

If you needed this, then consider this my gift to you too ❤️

Deepshikha

P.S - If you know someone who’d love this newsetter, why not share it with them and ask them to subscribe 😍