Discover more from Journey Home to Self by Deepshikha Sairam
Am I stuck or am I Free?
On being in the Liminal Space
I’ve spent the last 3 years stuck and frozen in the Liminal Space.
The Liminal Space is what I refer to as The Void. It’s the space between who I was and who I am becoming.
Obviously, it’s not an actual physical space. More like a feeling. A feeling of you know you are not the same person anymore but you are not quite “there” yet. You don’t know what “there” is. You don’t even know if there is a “there”, but you know that you are evolving, remembering, and becoming something else that you are not right now.
This is not a bad place to be in btw. On most days it isn’t (some days it sucks)
There has been so much healing here, so much heartache but also so much transformation.
Journey Home to Self by Deepshikha Sairam is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
It has been in the truest sense, my dark night of the soul. I regret nothing though. I probably would not have been able to achieve the personal healing and transformation I have experienced in these last 3 years in 30 lifetimes.
I am grateful for every moment and every person that has come into my life or made an exit during this time. Every turn of the event, whether it was a professional failure or a personal health crisis, has taught me a valuable lesson.
There are still so many things I wish to change about my life and so many things have changed. But yet, I find myself in this continuous spiral of things going to shit.
Take my professional career for example. What about it? Well, I don’t have much of it left.
A couple of years ago I decided to burn down my business. I don’t regret this. I am a firekeeper after all. My essence is to burn things down.
Fire is cleansing. And this fire was supposed to cleanse me in and out. And it has. It’s just been a slooooooow burn than a quick combustion.
January 2022 I decided, that is that. I am going to get my life back on track and dive deep into my calling, that of being a “spiritual” something. I didn’t know what (I still don’t).
What do I want to be? A spiritual teacher????? That can’t be right. I still feel like I am in Spiritual kindergarten.
Then who do I want to be? I didn’t know.
Between Jan 2022 and now I have felt like a Katy Perry Song - 🎵Baby, you’re a firework🎵
But not that part. The part where she says:
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper-thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from cavin' in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing”
Yep, that one!
Yes, Katy, that’s exactly how I feel. Like a plastic bag. Always wanting to start again.
Like paper-thin, one small blow away from crumbling.
And during these years, there have been a lot of moments where I have definitely felt like I am buried in a soundproof container, 6 feet under. No one can hear me from here.
“What’s the point” I have told myself every time I’ve put some intentional “brute force” behind a new project or an idea. No one is really listening anyway. With that thought, I can literally hear the air go out of my motivation and enthusiasm like a party balloon that got left behind in the corner of a room.
So I have stayed stuck, in the void, rearing my head every few months to make my “business” work, only to go back in the void again.
The truth is I don’t know who I am anymore.
I started this journey of self-discovery 3 years ago with a question “Who Am I” and I still don’t have the answer. But what if that’s the whole point?
We think we have to define ourselves and put a label on us. But what if our true nature has no label? It has no definition?
Who will you be if everything is stripped from you? Your name, your gender, your country, your title, everything.
You will just BE.
Maybe that’s just it. Maybe we are supposed to be no one. Just pure consciousness.
And maybe there is no “there” where we have to go to become “someone” to achieve “something” like our 3-Dimensional World tells us to.
It’s all just here, right here and now.
That sweet spot of the Present Moment where you become no one in the Void is perhaps the most fertile place to be in. It’s not a place where we get stuck.
It’s the place where we are the most FREE. Free and available to listen to the guidance of our soul, True Self.
In one such moment when I found myself in that sweet spot, I asked my soul “What the hell am I supposed to do with my career?”
It replied in a still, small voice “Speak your Truth”
So that is what I do now.
Perhaps Katy Perry is right after all. Maybe speaking my Truth is the spark in me that will ignite my light once more…..
🎵Do you know that there's still a chance for you?
'Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
'Cause baby, you're a firework……..🎵